To end a relationship usually means pain. Even if it is a bad relationship. And, yes, even the most strong and “enlightened” ones among us may find themselves in such place. Because it is never black and white. It is this and that. It is nor this, nor that. It stretches our might to truly love. And it takes us straight to the Holy Grail. Yes, you may stop searching – I am going to reveal the secret and disclose the exact location of this Sacred Chalice.
It fucking hurts to not be respected in your feelings, to be ignored, to be pushed away, to not be listened, to be insulted or intimidated, to be left alone in your most vulnerable moment, to be blamed and shamed for that. It hurts but this kind of pain we do not perceive as violence. But it is, let’s start from that. It is emotional violence and might be more painful than physical – a knife turned in your heart regularly might hurt more than a fist in your face for one sharp moment.
And it hurts even more to still see the beauty of this relationship, still embrace the amazing moments and experience you have had, to know in your heart these moments when he is good to you. Yes, for these moments you are willing to forget everything, to close your eyes inside and out, you are even ready to suffer. To suffer so you could experience this sweet relief, this moment of feeling safe and loved and not alone again. The little girl inside you forgets all the bad and gratefully throws her small arms around the neck of this man, in trust and surrender. Oh, yes, this is how she should feel! Always! And each time you are treated bad again – and in such relationships it always happens again – the heart of this little girl crumbles and cries.
And if this keeps happening, a moment comes where she loses her warmth and joy and laughter. A moment comes, where she is not able to cheer and play anymore. She’s afraid to be spontaneous and authentic because she is afraid to be judged, she is afraid to become not loved. But Love is her birth right, not up to any man to decide, whether she’s worthy of it or not!
This is, where you need to step up! This is, where you need to protect this girl and honour your Inner Woman, to hear her voice, to listen to her wisdom, to love her back into her power! No matter what happens outside, no matter how painful it is, no matter how tempting it is to fall back into this illusory safety, to find excuses…
You feel when he is not embracing you in your deep femininity, is not meeting you with the same Presence and Love in your power and vulnerability, in your wisdom and calmness and in the moments of complete emotional and mental breakdown. No, I am not talking about situations that happen once, he is just a man. But when it is constantly so. You see it is not changing. Or worse, he doesn’t even feel it should.
It is so easy then to think, oh but maybe I just ask too much. And one moment you start to think and feel you ARE too much! And you push your needs and feelings down. You make yourself small, even if your voice is sometimes loud… And this is where your Inner Woman is pushed aside and the Girl becomes hurt and unsafe. You may rationalise everything but She feels it all! And She needs Full Loving Presence – nothing more, nothing less! If it is not there, you are not honouring Her.
Your Inner Woman is a Womb of Love and She shines right through you when respected and embraced! And this Love can never be taken away. You are now able to love with your heart wide open, independently of his behaviour or thoughts or deeds. Because you are not a victim anymore, you choose, how you are treated, you don’t manipulate or beg for his love. You love yourself and therefore you get out of this relationship.
And, paradoxically, this Love allows you to really love him, to embrace those beautiful moments of yours without bitterness, to just love him without wanting anything from him. This love might not find an answer. It may be that he never understands. But you don’t need his answer or understanding anymore. This love is in your heart and shines bigger with every breath.
This is what it means to love yourself first – you cannot continue loving him this way, because you love yourself. And this is where you truly start loving – yourself, him, everyone. This is where his mission in your life is completed.
This is what it means to love through pain – letting your Womb of Love shine through you, sometimes burn through you, to really listen and honour your Inner Woman, to really be true to the pure heart of the little girl inside you. Yes, that might sometimes feel painful. But the truth is – if it is not painful, it is not Love.
And right at this point you have found the Holy Grail – the Womb of Love. Just raise the Sacred Chalice to celebrate the lesson of learning to truly love, to love yourself!
Much Love
Satya Magdalena
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