Last week we started an online journey to dive deep in our femininity. Which means also working with our masculine of course. After a long time I decided to use a structured container for that. In the structure happens flow.
First week is focused on body. Body always tells the truth.
Today I had a big moment of truth. After a loooong time... I went to GYM... Whoaa... I had no clue how to use machines, all the weights were too heavy... Everything was too... Masculine... I felt like an alien...
And... I needed to ask help... It was fine, people were happy to help... But I felt helpless and uncomfortable.
First I wanted to run away and find a place to dance. But smth told me to stay. I found some weights I could use and managed to do a pretty good functional training. Yeah, I still have my exercises...
And in the end... I CRIED. Yes. Literally. All of the sudden I felt so angry at myself. How could I lose my fit shape? How could I become so soft and 'weak'? I always liked this feminine softness in other women but not in myself...
Because... The body was a project for me. It was part of my 'perfect me' project. I was a fitness girl among other perfect things. I looked like a perfect woman but had lost contact with my feminine... That is where my conscious path started... Looking for my feminine.
I have found her, for sure. Just, so deep that I lost my masculine on the way. And now it's time to reintegrate. And this integration goes in small real steps and deeds.
So I stayed today. Big step. And while I cried, at the same time I went into deep stretches that felt so orgasmic... That's where tears broke out. That's where all those realisations came. So I orgasmed, cried and enjoyed. Right there, in the gym.
I know I need to go again. And now I go for myself, my body and wellbeing, not a project I make myself into. I go not to become perfect but learn that I already am, even if cry, am 'way too emotional', and need help. Even if I can't make those perfect fitness magazine cover photos of myself. I now learn to love, not push myself.
I now go as a woman. Even into man's world.
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